dayton is not in ohio

It’s 7pm and I need to go park the car. You’re not allowed to park on the street overnight in Oak Park, IL. We have a garage, which is nice, but the problem is that I have to go get in the car and drive it around the house into the garage. This necessitates going outside and I’m afraid of that. I mean, the temperature right now in ANCHORAGE ALASKA is 29 degrees… I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Listen to me… I’m stalling… OK, here goes. I love y’all!

I discovered something that I’m sure will prove be a very important idea in the study of space and time.
I am very fortunate to live and go to school near the train in Chicago. It’s a six minute walk from my house to the train, and about five minutes to the school. However when the temperature drops to certain levels - let’s take the current temperature of EIGHT DEGREES at 4pm - time also slows down. It’s amazing! A five minute walk actually takes, oh, what I’d describe as, decades. Yeah, that’s about right. So the slowing of atomic particles in matter actually significantly slows time itself. And we thought that space and time were relative… Silly Albert, they are one big fat evil inseperable popsicle.

“Somebody gimme a Nobel Prize!! Everybody say ‘HO!’”

And on a theological note: Dante was wrong. See, he was from Italy, and when he wrote the Divine Comedy he had to create some weak metaphor based on his annoyed discomfort while writing on balmy Italian days in his attic. So he gives the world the childish Inferno. Open letter to Dante Alighieri:

Dear Dante,

Hell is cold.

Warmly,

D.C.